This time last year we were preparing to face the worst day/week of our life. I was reminded of this when a Facebook memory popped up, a photo of Zoey with her Cranio Care Bears surgery care package, it was the sweetest thing full of little toys, a dummy and teethers, some pjs, books and a beautiful hand knitted blanket. This time last year I was so tired I was from the lack of sleep with a 6 month old, and not being able to sleep for the worry, I would cry in the middle of the night while she slept because I didn’t like crying in front of her during the day. One night I remember it was exactly 4.22am and I watched her sleeping through tears of complete heartache, she was so beautiful and peaceful, and I didn’t want that to change, I was scared about how her face and appearance might change after her skull was remoulded and if I wouldn’t recognise her, I loved her misshapen head! In fact, although I knew deep down it was for the best and what she needed, I wanted to just scoop her up and run far, far away from it all. The thought of what was about to happen pressed down on me, crushing my heart every day! My thoughts were uncontrollable, it all felt too hard, that night at 4.22am I was trying to push myself to look past the worst and I told myself it is bound to get easier, “once it is over and past the worst I wont be lying here awake in the middle of the night sick with worry” and whilst I was right, of course it is easier now, I don’t lie there awake worrying about her, but some night’s I still lie awake, haunted by the trauma that she, and we, went through. I actually already started writing this blog post the other day but I had to stop. I set myself this goal that by a year since her surgery I was going to write about it all, our experience of the surgery she underwent and the feelings around it but actually it’s still too raw and heavy. I cannot do it. I can’t articulate how it was and how I felt, not even in writing, at least not without totally breaking down. I’m not quite ready to re-live that day in detail, it was bringing on flashbacks, anxiety and tears and I don’t want to spend this time feeling overwhelmed with the emotions of what was – Zoey-Jane is doing so incredibly well now and I know she picks up on my emotions so writing in full about her surgery is on the back burner for now, I want to he present with her and soak in the positives and the joy that we have each day. I’ve suffered from PTSD since her surgery and finally have been in a better mental place, which is one of the reasons I feel ready to set up thus space to help others, but what i started writing was too deep and personal and it was triggering my PTSD, hopefully in time I will muster the strength to share it with you. (Of course if any parents are facing what we were facing this time last year and you want to know more or have questions for me, please reach out to me on the ‘contact me section of my blog)
This year has gone by so unbelievably fast! If the pre-surgery Jess could have known just how well she would be doing now. Everyone said how resilient babies are and how quickly they bounce back but it is truly one of those things that you cannot believe until you see it with your own eyes! The difference in Zoey after her surgery and recovery was amazing, we could actually see that pressure had been released in her expression, her actions and her personality – she has been a joy from day one but pre-surgery she was very unsettled and uptight a lot of the time. Since she recovered from her surgery (which took a long time and was rough, I’ll do a post about this later as this is important for parents to know what to expect when you come home from the hospital.) She has truly blossomed! Her gross motor development was affected by the Craniosynostosis but slowly and surely in her own time she made huge progress, her personality over this past year is one that has grown fiercely independent yet beautifully bonded to me – a true Mama’s girl, I do think she will change to be a Daddy’s girl one day and I am soaking in all the love and the cuddles while I still can, she is growing right before my very eyes and while I’m beyond delighted to see her growing and learning each day, I miss my little tiny bubba!
Each day she radiates happiness to anyone who knows her, she is the brightest star and such a little fire cracker, constantly keeping us entertained with her hilarious antics. My house is destroyed multiple times, daily, but I don’t mind – making a mess is making memories in little people’s lives. She adores her books and constantly wants you to sing and dance with her! I think she is going to be musical like her dad, she already plays guitar and base with him and even sometimes hits the right note ha! Her language is really coming on lately and it’s fascinating to see little words trying to communicate what goes through her little mind. She loves animals, just like her Mama, and she knows a good number of animal sounds – the cutest one being the “Eh-went goes Ah-booo” and the most annoying one thanks to Daddy “what does the fox say?” “Ninininininini” remember that stupid song in 2013? Yeah. *insert a mum eye roll here*
We’re having a present day on her cranioversary – something we’ve decided we will do every year. We want it to be a happy day, although I know I’ll cry at least once, a day when we are thankful and remember just how blessed we are to have her in our lives.
I find it hard to find words to express just how proud I am to be Zoey-Jane’s Mum. She is the strongest little baby I’ve ever known, been through so much and yet amazingly, through all of it have found the strength to smile. She is my inspiration, forever! Only 18 months old yet a determined fighter and lover of life already, gives the sweetest smiles at everyone she sees, she oozes love and cuddles everyday. Everyone in the world needs to take a leaf out of her book in my opinion, including me. She reminds me to love deeply, to live in the moment and to take in all the little things in life and savour them, for time goes too fast.
Sure, there are days when like any other mum I get frustrated, tired and feel touched out, but the memory that always brings me back to reality is the moment I had to hand my baby over into strangers hands, praying they will take care of her. When that moment came, I held her tight as they injected her with the anaesthetic, she went heavy like they said she would, a laid her down on that table and as I looked at her sleepy face it looked so peaceful they put a mask over her face to give her oxygen, but in that moment came this overwhelming feeling of loss, I had handed her over and I felt like I’d lost her. Walking away from her sweet face was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I will never forget that moment and that feeling, never, ever.
But with that comes some serious mum guilt. In moments of sheer exhaustion and frustration when she wakes up every 30 minutes through the night and won’t settle without nursing and I feel so grumpy with her, or she wants constantly clings to my ankles and moans at me while I’m trying to cook or do housework, or yet another toddler meltdown, in these common and normal frustrating times I feel sense guilt for my own negative emotions because my life could have been so much different, I’m so incredibly lucky to still have her in my life, I could have lost her forgoodnessake. Yet I still feel touched out and fed up with the mundane sometimes and I get so angry with myself, I feel so selfish for having these what I logically know are normal emotions of any mother, but still I can’t shake the guilt and the hurt of what we’ve been through, and what she has had to overcome as such a tiny person, that I shouldn’t have these insignificant feelings!
I’m trying to find a way for myself to accept these emotions, to let them come and acknowledge them and move forward. I don’t want to be constantly living in emotions of the past, it’s not good for my mental health and I want to be as happy as I can for Zoey-Jane. One way I’m doing this is by processing emotions through writing on this blog, trying to show other the real side of motherhood and sometimes it’s okay not to be okay! Maybe I’ll reach other mothers who feel similar to me or have or are going through similar challenges to me and find solidarity. My main goal is to help other mothers through their unique journey, using what we’ve been through for good and find something positive in it.
They say time heals all things and I’m hoping I’ll find that true, I’ll give myself more time to heal and also grieve for the life I thought we’d have, for the life Zoey-Jane should have had while building a happy life for her into the future. I know I’ll always hold onto a bit of the pain from the experience but maybe with each passing cranioversary and Zoey’s continued progress I’ll feel better.
We’ve got a wonderful day planned on the anniversary of her surgery this year, we’ve got Nana staying and we are going to take a walk in the morning to where we used to walk everyday when we were together and talk, we used to say “one day we will do this walk and Zoey’s surgery will be over” it felt like that day would never come but here we are, nearly one year since that day! We’ve also bought Zoey some presents that I’m yet still to wrap, a range of some lovely things which I know she will have great fun with – can’t wait for her to see them! And then we’re going to chill out and watch a movie, Big Hero 6, Jake and I agree it’s the best kids film since Toy Story and we have a cuddly toy Baymax which Zoey loves so hoping she will love the film – it will be the first time we’ve actually sat down and watched a film as a family for Zoey – we will see how long it keeps her attention for haha. Then in the evening we’re having close family round for a meal to all be together.
It’s strange planning this time that I thought would never come but I’m so happy we are here!
I’m going to grabbing my proper camera out of the cupboard and documenting the special day properly and you’ll be able to see snippets on the grid! (Instagram: TrustyourBs) and I’ll most likely write all about it for the blog too!
Thank you for being here and reading my little piece of motherhood, of you know anyone who you think would enjoy or benefit from my little blog please let them know about Trust Your Bs!
Cranio Shaped Mama 