Cranio Shaped Mama

I’m changing my name here on the blog. I still 100% stand by Trust Your Bs, it’s the little motto I follow as a mother and the advice I give to other mothers. However, I don’t feel like it’s totally capturing everything my blog is about, at this time, and I think maybe people don’t really get what it means at first. So from now on I’ll be going by…
Cranio Shaped Mama 💜
Throughout pregnancy I day dreamed about this little person growing inside of me, I imagined what our life was going to be like, what she would look like. I heard all these stories of what my husband and I were like as babies, super chilled and most of the time just like your ‘text book model babies’.
Well, it’s safe to say that Zoey-Jane and this life was nothing like I imagined, not that I could ever have imagined my baby having such a serious health condition, what we’ve been through with that is the stuff of nightmares, not dreams.
While Zoey has been and is sweeter, funnier, and more beautifully amazing than I ever imagined she also been a VERY high needs and sensitive baby, the smallest thing could set her into a full on melt down. And it’s been a hard beginning to motherhood. The sleep deprivation has felt like torture, my life has felt on hold because for months I couldn’t go anywhere or do much because if how sensitive she was to loud noises and new surroundings. I felt very alone at times in following my instincts to trust her needs, I often felt judged and like she was only the way she was because if the way I mothered. Deep down I knew this not to be the case, that I mothered the way I did for and because of my daughter – her behaviour shaped my mothering, not the other way around. Still, sometimes in the really tough times I would let those judgements creep in and doubt myself.
Why did she seem to hate being anywhere other than on my breast? Why did I have to hold her and rock her the whole time she slept? Or why did she wake up as soon as I tried to take my nipple out of her mouth? Why does she no longer go down but instead wake and scream the minute I even move an inch? Why does she wake an extreme amount at night? Why do certain noises make her scream? Why does she not sit happily and contented when we go out like the other babies? Why wont she sleep like the other babies? I’m doing everything, giving her everything I possibly can, maybe that’s why. Is it because I feed to sleep? Is it because I never leave her to cry? Is it because we bedshare? Maybe I should try her in her cot again? Is it because of something I eat going through my milk? Is it because I hold her every nap time? Is it because she only ever cat naps? Am I missing her sleep cues in the day? Is it because I never give her to anyone else? Is it because I don’t take her places I know make her cry?
I can now give a definitive answer to all the questions. NO.
The reason behind all the questions? She simply NEEDED me, she needed all the comfort.
Why? Because for the first 6 months of her life she had pressure within her skull, which most likely gave horrible headaches, her skull in the wrong place caused tightness in her cranial and facial muscles which made it hard for her to nurse effectively. At 6 months that pressure was released, but by means of major surgery with a huge amount of aesthetic, morphine and anti biotics along with other drugs that upset and slowed down her system and caused terrible digestive problems. Then she had to heal from the trauma she had been through, physically and mentally. All of that coupled with that the fact that maybe she just has a sensitive personality too, she is her own person with her own likes and dislikes, she’s not a mini version of me, she’s her very own unique soul in her own right, a tiny one who is still learning about this world she is now a part of and doesn’t always know how to process her needs and emotions so calls out to her home and safe place to make her feel secure, and that I have always been for her.
I learned patience, I stopped focusing on what I couldn’t change and focused on what I could. I couldn’t change my baby, but I could change the way I mothered – I forgot all I once had preconceived about what babies should be like and just focused on what my baby was like, how I could meet her at her unique point of needs. I let go of all expectations of how life should be and accepted what it was like and embraced what felt right for us! Life wasn’t going to become easy over night, my daughter’s personality wasn’t going to develop overnight, I had to learn patience, I had to accept that my baby cried a lot and I couldn’t always fix the cause but at least I could be there for her and always offer her comfort and recognition.
My daughter is like a rose, if I was to try and unfold the petals by band before they are ready, the rose would look different in full bloom than if I was to patiently and lovingly wait for the petals to unfold themselves in their own time. The rose wouldn’t have the same natural fullness it was meant to have! And my goodness isn’t she blooming, watching my unique rose flower unfold has been the most beautiful events to take place in my life, to know I’ve grown and nurtured such beauty is beyond amazing.
Parenting takes a life time, shaping and supporting a child is a gradual process, we cannot choose their temperament or what they have to cope with in Life but we can influence the outcome.
Craniosynostosis shaped my babies head, for bad. But it also shaped me as a mother and I honestly feel like it’s made me a better mother and a better person.
I’ve learned patience, and I’ve learned to look for positives instead of negatives, to pick out the weeds and see the flowers. Beyond every ‘negative’ trait of my daughter there is a positive one. Instead of wondering why she “won’t sleep” “won’t settle” “is never calm” I’ve changed my perception to realise how intelligent she is, how great it is that she knows what she wants and doesn’t settle for anything but the best. How grateful I am we have spent so many hours connected and cuddling while she needed her comfort. How I can be confident that it took great strength to ALWAYS meet her and at her point of need and know I’ve given my all. That I will continue to show that strength and give my all now and in the future.
Now she is a high needs toddler, but not as intense and I can see how all of what we’ve been through is paying off, being Zoey’s Mama has taught me some valuable lessons and taken me on a journey that I couldn’t dream of back when I was pregnant, the hardships were unimaginable but the joys? Well, they are unbelievable! Everyday I can’t believe she’s mine and that we created someone so remarkable! She’s taking small steps away from me when she is ready and becoming her independent person, and it’s bitter sweet. So sweet, all the memories and time that we have spent so close and the bond that has been made, the adoration of watching her become an individual with a loving personality. Bitter to know that time flies by and soon this season will have passed and she will no longer need me as much, that she is my one and only and I’ll never get this time back.
This is me, this is us, this is our story. Sharing our experiences that have shaped who we are in the hopes that maybe we can support others going through similar.